Loneliness

Another long lonely week-end starting here. I wrote a paper about loneliness for the website Iamexpat.nl. It will be published there in a few days. I tried my best to find in the literature what works to avoid the pain of the loneliness feeling. Do you also experience this feeling of oppression in the chest, and falling down as if there was no grond anymore? I used to feel that way very often. Sometimes it comes back. Like yesterday night.

But, ok, shake it up Catherine, there are some things we can do to avoid to be overwhelmed by this pain. I tried to summarize them in this short article. Challenging. I hope you find it useful.

This week-end I'll do some mediation and meet some friends (was invited to two parties!), have a coffee with a former colleague, and go to the market to buy some good stuff... I know the painful feeling will go away slowly... and what about you? Don't stay alone too often. It kills.  

Ooops, I forgot to say in the paper: Don't stay on the internet for too long :-)

Here is my article for Iamexpat.nl :

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Did you notice how, when you are unhappy, seeing others being cheerful gives you the impression that they are simply… fake? The lonelier we feel, the more irritable we get, and the less we enjoy good company. If loneliness was only painful it would be hard enough. But research indicates that it also impairs our ability to actually make friends. It is a vicious circle! Loneliness is one of the top issues faced by expats according to surveys.

Here you are. You are living in a new flat, in a foreign country, you did not find a job, you have still have billions of things to get done to feel settled in, you are starting to feel worthless and spiraling down… If only you had your good old friends to talk to right here and right now. All this time spent alone is getting on your nerves, and you're starting to suffer from loneliness. What comes next? 

Cacioppo is a researcher at the University of Chicago specialist of loneliness and social isolation. He has studied extensively its consequences on health and behaviors. Chronically lonely people (those who report feeling lonely more than two days a week) are more susceptible to viruses and to cardio-vascular diseases. In 2007, Cacioppo and colleagues demonstrated that lonely people have an increased activity of genes encoding molecules that promote inflammation and a decreased activity of genes encoding molecules that slow down inflammation. In other words, they demonstrated that chronic loneliness has a direct impact on the immune system. Lonely people also recover less easily: last year, a study showed that although lonely people sleep as much as others, they feel more fatigue during the day.

Cacciopo also observed the consequences of loneliness on people's behaviors. Lonely people judge their interactions with others less satisfying than non lonely people. In a scanner, their brains show less activation of the reward centers when they see smiling faces! They also produce worse impression to the people they meet _which is easy to imagine. It creates a vicious circle and it's difficult to get out of it!

Loneliness never goes away from our lives, but it can be made less common, less painful and less overwhelming. One way is to find ways to meet new people. It's a real challenge in a new country. The best is to try to join a group, like a sport lesson, a reading club, or volunteer for school. It's harder than back home: people are different, they come from other countries, other regions, or even simply from other social classes, and it makes the encounter more worrisome at first. It will take more courage, openness and tolerance than back home. But that's what makes the whole experience so worth it!

Joining a club will not fill in the days, but it will enable you to meet, not just one, but a group of new people. It will help you to develop a sense of belonging, feeling useful again, feelings appreciated by others for your contributions, and help to avoid seeing your self-esteem fading when you feel like the entire world seems to ignore your very existence!

Another remedy is to change your representations, by bringing back positive emotions when thinking about others and about ourselves. In fact, in sedentary people, loneliness is only moderately related to the number of acquaintances and friends: To a large extend, feeling lonely depends on mental representations and expectations. Cognitive therapy has proven benefits (see references below). Relaxation associated with visualization or meditation have generated a lot of encouraging results in the last decade. Relaxation relieves stress by decreasing heart rate and muscles tensions. It has a positive impact on the immune system. Meditation will help developing mindfulness and compassion by reducing fears that often prevents us from meeting new people. Studies suggest that 10 to 20 minutes mediation a day for a few weeks is already enough to see many positive effects.

References.

All you ever wanted to know about loneliness is in Cacioppo's 2008 book: Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection.

A number of stress reduction techniques (including cognitive therapy) are very helpful to manage loneliness feelings or prevent them. A good self-help book is: Stress reduction workbook, M. Davis & E. R. Eshelman, M. McKay.